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Packing could be made much easier with an invention I think. Like a large baseball pitching machine...you target it at your luggage.. insert items and fire away. Yeah I would like that. might have to do the loading outside though. or maybe it could fire the luggage into your vehicle as well. Yeah a packing machine. this has great potential...you could use it for...toys...fudge...quarters...the possibilities are endless
Cold and terrible. The man in the car could only think Cold and Terrible thoughts. Like that fish he caught it was cold. and it was terrible when he tried to eat it raw. The car slushed through the rain soaked streets. The last time it rain he remembered how cold that Homeless man with the grizzled features had said he was. IT was terrible that he had to steal the mans last few dollars while he slept. He almost missed his exit and cut off another car to make it. Her hand had been so cold the last time he held it. It was so terrible that he had been the one to cut it off and make it so cold and lifeless. He made a note to pull it back out tonight when he got home...just to remember her by.
"Pull up a chair...pull up a chair" the old woman said.
I tried real hard to even though I was dead.
She sat me up and talked for while.I was so happy I tried to smile.
She hugged me tightly and liked it more than she should.
I wanted to shiver if only I could.
She said that she now just wanted to dance.
I noticed just then that she'd stolen my pants.
She pulled out her knife and started to carve,
and took my heart, wrapped up in a scarve.
I was so frightened I wanted to scream.
Then I woke up in your arms. it was only a dream.
Have you ever tried to find your soul? I've been looking for awhile. I tried under the kitchen sink...for some reason that's where everything I lose is. I think there may be a black hole floating around my house and contrary to popular belief black holes don't obliterate what cannot escape them they put it all under the kitchen sink. I bet all the missing things in the unbiverse end up under there. in fact the universe is continuously being recycled into the cabinet under the kitchen sink. It's really not as big as we think it is it seems to go on forever cause of the black holes and the kitchen sinks. Just a thought.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
One Idahoan Night
One Idahoan Night
One time as a young man I witnessed something that many people said was hogwash even then...people look at me now when I tell it with something in-between disgust...and pity. I grew up in a small farming comunity near the Oregon border. Most of the farmers on both the idaho and oregon side of the border grow potatos for ORE-IDA. One night Lenny lumpkin the local drunk came screamin in to the regular town metting, which was the only form of entertainment some of us could get so we all were there (the town metting...we were all at the town meeting). Lenny was frantic he was the soberest I think I had ever seen him."There's UFOs up in the sky!!!" He squeeled. Lenny always squeeled most of us just assumed he was half pig cause he had the snout and rumor had it that he was also born with a curly little tail. Most of us would normally have been inclined to ignore Lenny on any given day even if he said the building was on fire, but this particular town meeting was very boring becase MA'ama Borchert was giving a lecture on all the uses of potatos. So we all filed out of the local courthouse/potato-storage-facility and had us a look. What we saw then made many of us have to change our pants.
There were lights in the sky. And they flew all over in crazy patterns..whirlwinds and curlie cues like a little dance all in sync yet almost random too. And they grew larger and it became apparent that these lights were large crafts of some sort...not the sort of craft rosie o'donnell used to do on her talk show. Spacecrafts. Man were they huge and they came down to hover over the potato fields."Attention, we will free our brother spuds from their earthen oppression." A voice that came from everywhere and nowhere said.And with that the large craft opened up to reveal huge multi-eyed spud-like creatures with many root-like arms descending upon the crops we all worked so hard to cultivate. THey cast rays about with their wildly swinging tentacle/root/appendages and then just a s quickly they went back into their ships and flew off. But there was movement in the fields still.
The potatos were growing at an amazing rate. and as they grew they undulated til they were sick mockeries of the once famous Idahoan cash crop. They began to move to anf fro and then with what seem a psychotic intelligence began to slaughter dogs cats...cows in the nearby fields. Something had to be done. Ma'ama Borchert was still inside spouting off recipes but yelling now hoping to be heard by those outside. "..Of course there's always my favorite...Mashed potatos...." With a gleem in each of our eyes we all grabbed something heavy...shovels...axes... rolling pins. We proceded to the fields and began swinging.Later on Ore-Ida wanted to know why our crop was so small that year. I wonder if they heard rumors of the largest bowl of mashed potatos ever seen in idaho or Eastern Oregon. We weren't talking.
One time as a young man I witnessed something that many people said was hogwash even then...people look at me now when I tell it with something in-between disgust...and pity. I grew up in a small farming comunity near the Oregon border. Most of the farmers on both the idaho and oregon side of the border grow potatos for ORE-IDA. One night Lenny lumpkin the local drunk came screamin in to the regular town metting, which was the only form of entertainment some of us could get so we all were there (the town metting...we were all at the town meeting). Lenny was frantic he was the soberest I think I had ever seen him."There's UFOs up in the sky!!!" He squeeled. Lenny always squeeled most of us just assumed he was half pig cause he had the snout and rumor had it that he was also born with a curly little tail. Most of us would normally have been inclined to ignore Lenny on any given day even if he said the building was on fire, but this particular town meeting was very boring becase MA'ama Borchert was giving a lecture on all the uses of potatos. So we all filed out of the local courthouse/potato-storage-facility and had us a look. What we saw then made many of us have to change our pants.
There were lights in the sky. And they flew all over in crazy patterns..whirlwinds and curlie cues like a little dance all in sync yet almost random too. And they grew larger and it became apparent that these lights were large crafts of some sort...not the sort of craft rosie o'donnell used to do on her talk show. Spacecrafts. Man were they huge and they came down to hover over the potato fields."Attention, we will free our brother spuds from their earthen oppression." A voice that came from everywhere and nowhere said.And with that the large craft opened up to reveal huge multi-eyed spud-like creatures with many root-like arms descending upon the crops we all worked so hard to cultivate. THey cast rays about with their wildly swinging tentacle/root/appendages and then just a s quickly they went back into their ships and flew off. But there was movement in the fields still.
The potatos were growing at an amazing rate. and as they grew they undulated til they were sick mockeries of the once famous Idahoan cash crop. They began to move to anf fro and then with what seem a psychotic intelligence began to slaughter dogs cats...cows in the nearby fields. Something had to be done. Ma'ama Borchert was still inside spouting off recipes but yelling now hoping to be heard by those outside. "..Of course there's always my favorite...Mashed potatos...." With a gleem in each of our eyes we all grabbed something heavy...shovels...axes... rolling pins. We proceded to the fields and began swinging.Later on Ore-Ida wanted to know why our crop was so small that year. I wonder if they heard rumors of the largest bowl of mashed potatos ever seen in idaho or Eastern Oregon. We weren't talking.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Misdemeanors Announcement 9
I wonder sometimes if I should apologize for some of the things I say to people...or for the things I just throw out there. Then I think..if I threw it out ther...don't pick it up if you don't want it. Someday I may get a clue. Or a life. Or a Coney Dog with cincinatti style chili on it and cheese and onions. mmmm. Gotta love cincinatti style chili. It goes down like candy and gives you gas like regular chili. 3 way...4 way...doesn't matter how you eat it...chili from Cin city is the best. (goes downstairs to look for his recipe)
A pick axe is for someone with a very large nose who gets dry crustations far too often. If you slip someone a fin wil they return the favor by slap a crab claw on you? These questions plague me in the nether regions of my though processes. They hide just waiting to jump at and say "Boo." Then after I change my pants and take a shower they apologize and we have quite a laugh. My son is start a zoo. He says he has shirt animals. not animals on his shirt....animals living in his shirt...I know I wasjh his clothes I just got finished folding the shirt he had on when he said it. I think he's hiding those animals somewhere and putting them in his shirt on purpose.
Toyota, Toyota, Abe Vigoda. Raid Raid, inkwell braid, Dance dance, I lost my pants. Torn torn, I am forlorn. Bright bright, Turn out the light. Fred Fred, don't ask if he's dead. George George, buried deep in a gorge. Shirley, Shirley...is also named Bob.
A pick axe is for someone with a very large nose who gets dry crustations far too often. If you slip someone a fin wil they return the favor by slap a crab claw on you? These questions plague me in the nether regions of my though processes. They hide just waiting to jump at and say "Boo." Then after I change my pants and take a shower they apologize and we have quite a laugh. My son is start a zoo. He says he has shirt animals. not animals on his shirt....animals living in his shirt...I know I wasjh his clothes I just got finished folding the shirt he had on when he said it. I think he's hiding those animals somewhere and putting them in his shirt on purpose.
Toyota, Toyota, Abe Vigoda. Raid Raid, inkwell braid, Dance dance, I lost my pants. Torn torn, I am forlorn. Bright bright, Turn out the light. Fred Fred, don't ask if he's dead. George George, buried deep in a gorge. Shirley, Shirley...is also named Bob.
Misdemeanors Announcement 8
Bears.....I often think wouldn't a bear friend be nice. You could cuddle with it. You'd have to keep it sedated of course. You could sleep with it. You could share tranquilers with it. When it's nice and fat you can kill it and skin it and make a rug out of it. Or a coat. Just a thought.
I have so many collections I can't count them all...Toenail clippings....Scabs....Navel Lint....Lime Scale....Rabid mouse fetuses. It's so much fun to have a hobby. I think there would be a lot more happiness and joy in the world if everyone had a hobby. I enjoy walking...Caning myself repeatedly. It's fun to Draw. It's fun to draw flies. I think though that my favorite hobby is going into the places that say "Tourist Information" and ask..."Why do they always wear black socks with sandals and carry cameras larger than their own heads?"
Could We somehow harness the static electricity generated by the children of the world as they run willy nilly from here to there? It might solve the world energy shortages. But I think it might have other benefits as well. For example before this is implemented the children will still always be discouraged from running around the room acting like crazed monkey's. Now if the teacher is talking in class and the children start to run around the room she won't mind. But if they become too unruly then she will have a button that suddenly releases all the static electricity they have worked up over the day and jolts them back into compliance. I see this as a win/win situation.
I have so many collections I can't count them all...Toenail clippings....Scabs....Navel Lint....Lime Scale....Rabid mouse fetuses. It's so much fun to have a hobby. I think there would be a lot more happiness and joy in the world if everyone had a hobby. I enjoy walking...Caning myself repeatedly. It's fun to Draw. It's fun to draw flies. I think though that my favorite hobby is going into the places that say "Tourist Information" and ask..."Why do they always wear black socks with sandals and carry cameras larger than their own heads?"
Could We somehow harness the static electricity generated by the children of the world as they run willy nilly from here to there? It might solve the world energy shortages. But I think it might have other benefits as well. For example before this is implemented the children will still always be discouraged from running around the room acting like crazed monkey's. Now if the teacher is talking in class and the children start to run around the room she won't mind. But if they become too unruly then she will have a button that suddenly releases all the static electricity they have worked up over the day and jolts them back into compliance. I see this as a win/win situation.
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