The Ballad of Charlie Macgrue

The Ballad of Charlie Macgrue

There once was a man named Charlie Magrue…
He bought him a Heffer to make him a stew.
He fed it a cleansed it and took care of it’s life.
He loved it so much that he made it his wife.

They spent several years just happy as clams,
And often had dinners of parsnips and yams.
And early one spring to the delight of Magrue.
He cooked his dear wife and made from her a stew.

Filthy!

Ketchup Stains upon your clothes,
Mashed potatoes on your nose,
You should be ashamed , Yes you!
I don't care if you are two.
Matted hair and wrinkled shirt.
Fingernails all filled with dirt.
You should have more pride than that.
Maybe I'd do better with a cat!

Oh don't smile. I was worked up into a good lather about all this filth.
Quit it. If you smile then that's all I will see. I will forget about the dirt and the.....oh look your smiling....what were we talking about again?

One day my ship will come in...

One day my ship will come in and I will find myself sunbathing on my own private island. Then I will declare war on the Resort island nearest mine and take over. At which time I will begin by taking over all small private-sized islands in the ocean. I don't wish to take over the world just the really fancy parts. and then I will make all the visitors purchase pictures of me to take home to their families. Their slides will all have pictures of me and everyone in the world will suddenly be glad when their neighbors ask them to come over and watch their slides from their last vacation to one of the Navel Islands.

My Friend!

I have a friend. Or I did once. He was dark and smaller than me. He would run up to me and beg and I’d give him treats. He had so much energy such a spark for life. And he nibbled food so fast I could hardly keep up. I called him Squirrelly Joe. He and I were so happy. Til the day when I forgot to bring food and he ran up to me and when he found nothing being offered bit me and ran off. Then I had to get rabies shots in the stomach as a precaution but I still loved that little guy. I loved him so much I had him stuffed.

Questions. Some of them are.

Corn is funny. It is pretty much the same coming or going. If gooses congregate in Gaggles and Dragons congregate in Droves. , do Children Group in Chases? I had a chaise lounge once. It was nice I would lie there for hours at a time thinking about the little people who don't have Chaise lounges to lie around in and how small their lives must be. Mice are small. So are teeth. Especially baby teeth. They are easy to swallow too. Just as k my son and his second grade teacher. Where does Premium grade beef come from? A Special school for beef? Why don't they number their grades at beef school like the rest of us do? Don't they know it's the 21st century? We know how to count now. Get with the times Beef School.

Sandpaper Beauty!

Sandpaper is my new exfoliant. My beauty consultant (who really should be paying me to advertise for her like I do) tells me my skin needs to be rejuvenated by exfoliating. Sandpaper (coarse grain) really seems to do the trick plus it leaves my skin with a pinkish hue. Well Red really but it fades to pink. Why is pink a girls color? I mean I don't like pink myself but isn't it unfair that some men are forced to dislike pink due to the lack of masculinity? Girls seem to be able to like all colors and it doesn't matter but not for the boys. Were stuck in the blues. Maybe we should be singing the blues. With our grisled features sitting in some dive of a blues club sing about the woes of sandpaper exfoliants.

Lemmings are off!

It's now official. The Anual Lemming run of Hooper has started!
This year's competition includes Obstacles such as Crossing Howard's Slough (irrigation canal) and the midland drive dash. The teams with the most lemmings at the finish line win!

Announcement!

I would like to announce my return to the Professional Mole Training Circuit. My previous success with training the Ocularly challenged Burrowing animals has been the highlight of my life though I fear I may never achieve the success training some of the newer breeds of moles as I did with the Johnson Mole breed. Stockier and more powerful than other breeds they could burrow much faster than today's breeds though their wider haunches did force them to dig wider tunnels, Today's breeds are slimmer but are prone to difficulties when they encounter large rocks as seen recently on the Gold Sand Diggers Derby at Olney Prairie Downs. I left the sport originally following the death of Lemo III my greatest Champion Johnson Mole. It was Her time I know but I was so very saddened because when she had the claw injury in '98 I nursed her back to health and she took the Triple Dig the next year. My brief forays into Underwater basket weaving. and Cockroach husbandry were not fulfilling and brought me none of the happiness of my true calling. Professional Mole Training.

Spoodge

This is my new catch-all term for things that come out of my one year-old. If it is caught running out of his nose.....It's Spoodge. If it has collected on his shirt after eating bananas....Spoodge! If ....well you get the idea. This way I don't have to ask..."What is that?" or "Where did that come from?" Cause it's all Spoodge. I find saving time is important when you have kids.

Styrofoam Christmas

Styrofoam + Children = Christmas

Not because they love to play with it or because the sound of it is just as soothing as a round of christmas carols. One large piece of styrofoam left long enough near children becomes tens of thousands of soft white snow pellets. Pellets that don't melt. Pellets that cling to everything with a magnetic attraction. for days I'm sure I will find them stuck to the sides of the tubes in the vacuum. For a few days it will seem just as white and wintery as Christmas.

Seven

While three is a magic number. Seven is almost divine. It rhymes with heaven. It ate nine. Seven wonders of the worlds are often revered for their grandeur and beauty. Seven days of creation. Seven toes on one of my feet. Seven beautiful calluses on my hand after scrubbing the kitchen floor. When you scrub do you use ammonia or bleach? I would suggest not mixing the two. Do you use a premixed solution purchased from some over priced retailer? Do you shop there cause it makes you feel better about yourself. Would you shop somewhere else if you found that the owner of the retail business had politcal views other than yours? I would if I found that they didn't believe in the true nature of Seven.