Posts
Terra Firma....Our Mother Earth. Does this not mean that we are all mud? Ah dust to dust I guess. I hope my dust will be the kind that doesn't make people sneeze. I would hate to think of myself as dead and gone to dust then inhaled just to be exhaled at extreme velocities mixed with sputum and mucus. I also hate sand in my jello maybe that has something to do with it.
Give me the simple life that I once knew. Where I could hide severed body parts in my basement and no one would come looking. Where I could cook up the neighborhood stray cats and dogs in a fine stew and no one nay-sayed. Ah to go back to the good old days. When if you peed in the wassail bowl no one noticed and as long as no one noticed no one cared.
Some of you might have already noticed this but I thought I better come clean. I have 7 fingers on one hand and only 4 on the other. This can be very useful when opening jars and such. Or when falling from a helicopter if I reach up with the seven fingered hand I can usually hold on for quite some time. but if I forget and grab with the four fingered hand I almost always fall. so while you may think, "wow I'd like to have a seven fingered hand" IT's not all it's cracked up to be. Have you ever tried to buy gloves for mismatched hands? Or worse to use mismatched hands to knit yourself gloves? Just think about that before you go wishing for you hands to have extra fingers.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Misdemeanors Announcement 10
Packing could be made much easier with an invention I think. Like a large baseball pitching machine...you target it at your luggage.. insert items and fire away. Yeah I would like that. might have to do the loading outside though. or maybe it could fire the luggage into your vehicle as well. Yeah a packing machine. this has great potential...you could use it for...toys...fudge...quarters...the possibilities are endless
Cold and terrible. The man in the car could only think Cold and Terrible thoughts. Like that fish he caught it was cold. and it was terrible when he tried to eat it raw. The car slushed through the rain soaked streets. The last time it rain he remembered how cold that Homeless man with the grizzled features had said he was. IT was terrible that he had to steal the mans last few dollars while he slept. He almost missed his exit and cut off another car to make it. Her hand had been so cold the last time he held it. It was so terrible that he had been the one to cut it off and make it so cold and lifeless. He made a note to pull it back out tonight when he got home...just to remember her by.
"Pull up a chair...pull up a chair" the old woman said.
I tried real hard to even though I was dead.
She sat me up and talked for while.I was so happy I tried to smile.
She hugged me tightly and liked it more than she should.
I wanted to shiver if only I could.
She said that she now just wanted to dance.
I noticed just then that she'd stolen my pants.
She pulled out her knife and started to carve,
and took my heart, wrapped up in a scarve.
I was so frightened I wanted to scream.
Then I woke up in your arms. it was only a dream.
Have you ever tried to find your soul? I've been looking for awhile. I tried under the kitchen sink...for some reason that's where everything I lose is. I think there may be a black hole floating around my house and contrary to popular belief black holes don't obliterate what cannot escape them they put it all under the kitchen sink. I bet all the missing things in the unbiverse end up under there. in fact the universe is continuously being recycled into the cabinet under the kitchen sink. It's really not as big as we think it is it seems to go on forever cause of the black holes and the kitchen sinks. Just a thought.
Cold and terrible. The man in the car could only think Cold and Terrible thoughts. Like that fish he caught it was cold. and it was terrible when he tried to eat it raw. The car slushed through the rain soaked streets. The last time it rain he remembered how cold that Homeless man with the grizzled features had said he was. IT was terrible that he had to steal the mans last few dollars while he slept. He almost missed his exit and cut off another car to make it. Her hand had been so cold the last time he held it. It was so terrible that he had been the one to cut it off and make it so cold and lifeless. He made a note to pull it back out tonight when he got home...just to remember her by.
"Pull up a chair...pull up a chair" the old woman said.
I tried real hard to even though I was dead.
She sat me up and talked for while.I was so happy I tried to smile.
She hugged me tightly and liked it more than she should.
I wanted to shiver if only I could.
She said that she now just wanted to dance.
I noticed just then that she'd stolen my pants.
She pulled out her knife and started to carve,
and took my heart, wrapped up in a scarve.
I was so frightened I wanted to scream.
Then I woke up in your arms. it was only a dream.
Have you ever tried to find your soul? I've been looking for awhile. I tried under the kitchen sink...for some reason that's where everything I lose is. I think there may be a black hole floating around my house and contrary to popular belief black holes don't obliterate what cannot escape them they put it all under the kitchen sink. I bet all the missing things in the unbiverse end up under there. in fact the universe is continuously being recycled into the cabinet under the kitchen sink. It's really not as big as we think it is it seems to go on forever cause of the black holes and the kitchen sinks. Just a thought.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
One Idahoan Night
One Idahoan Night
One time as a young man I witnessed something that many people said was hogwash even then...people look at me now when I tell it with something in-between disgust...and pity. I grew up in a small farming comunity near the Oregon border. Most of the farmers on both the idaho and oregon side of the border grow potatos for ORE-IDA. One night Lenny lumpkin the local drunk came screamin in to the regular town metting, which was the only form of entertainment some of us could get so we all were there (the town metting...we were all at the town meeting). Lenny was frantic he was the soberest I think I had ever seen him."There's UFOs up in the sky!!!" He squeeled. Lenny always squeeled most of us just assumed he was half pig cause he had the snout and rumor had it that he was also born with a curly little tail. Most of us would normally have been inclined to ignore Lenny on any given day even if he said the building was on fire, but this particular town meeting was very boring becase MA'ama Borchert was giving a lecture on all the uses of potatos. So we all filed out of the local courthouse/potato-storage-facility and had us a look. What we saw then made many of us have to change our pants.
There were lights in the sky. And they flew all over in crazy patterns..whirlwinds and curlie cues like a little dance all in sync yet almost random too. And they grew larger and it became apparent that these lights were large crafts of some sort...not the sort of craft rosie o'donnell used to do on her talk show. Spacecrafts. Man were they huge and they came down to hover over the potato fields."Attention, we will free our brother spuds from their earthen oppression." A voice that came from everywhere and nowhere said.And with that the large craft opened up to reveal huge multi-eyed spud-like creatures with many root-like arms descending upon the crops we all worked so hard to cultivate. THey cast rays about with their wildly swinging tentacle/root/appendages and then just a s quickly they went back into their ships and flew off. But there was movement in the fields still.
The potatos were growing at an amazing rate. and as they grew they undulated til they were sick mockeries of the once famous Idahoan cash crop. They began to move to anf fro and then with what seem a psychotic intelligence began to slaughter dogs cats...cows in the nearby fields. Something had to be done. Ma'ama Borchert was still inside spouting off recipes but yelling now hoping to be heard by those outside. "..Of course there's always my favorite...Mashed potatos...." With a gleem in each of our eyes we all grabbed something heavy...shovels...axes... rolling pins. We proceded to the fields and began swinging.Later on Ore-Ida wanted to know why our crop was so small that year. I wonder if they heard rumors of the largest bowl of mashed potatos ever seen in idaho or Eastern Oregon. We weren't talking.
One time as a young man I witnessed something that many people said was hogwash even then...people look at me now when I tell it with something in-between disgust...and pity. I grew up in a small farming comunity near the Oregon border. Most of the farmers on both the idaho and oregon side of the border grow potatos for ORE-IDA. One night Lenny lumpkin the local drunk came screamin in to the regular town metting, which was the only form of entertainment some of us could get so we all were there (the town metting...we were all at the town meeting). Lenny was frantic he was the soberest I think I had ever seen him."There's UFOs up in the sky!!!" He squeeled. Lenny always squeeled most of us just assumed he was half pig cause he had the snout and rumor had it that he was also born with a curly little tail. Most of us would normally have been inclined to ignore Lenny on any given day even if he said the building was on fire, but this particular town meeting was very boring becase MA'ama Borchert was giving a lecture on all the uses of potatos. So we all filed out of the local courthouse/potato-storage-facility and had us a look. What we saw then made many of us have to change our pants.
There were lights in the sky. And they flew all over in crazy patterns..whirlwinds and curlie cues like a little dance all in sync yet almost random too. And they grew larger and it became apparent that these lights were large crafts of some sort...not the sort of craft rosie o'donnell used to do on her talk show. Spacecrafts. Man were they huge and they came down to hover over the potato fields."Attention, we will free our brother spuds from their earthen oppression." A voice that came from everywhere and nowhere said.And with that the large craft opened up to reveal huge multi-eyed spud-like creatures with many root-like arms descending upon the crops we all worked so hard to cultivate. THey cast rays about with their wildly swinging tentacle/root/appendages and then just a s quickly they went back into their ships and flew off. But there was movement in the fields still.
The potatos were growing at an amazing rate. and as they grew they undulated til they were sick mockeries of the once famous Idahoan cash crop. They began to move to anf fro and then with what seem a psychotic intelligence began to slaughter dogs cats...cows in the nearby fields. Something had to be done. Ma'ama Borchert was still inside spouting off recipes but yelling now hoping to be heard by those outside. "..Of course there's always my favorite...Mashed potatos...." With a gleem in each of our eyes we all grabbed something heavy...shovels...axes... rolling pins. We proceded to the fields and began swinging.Later on Ore-Ida wanted to know why our crop was so small that year. I wonder if they heard rumors of the largest bowl of mashed potatos ever seen in idaho or Eastern Oregon. We weren't talking.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Misdemeanors Announcement 9
I wonder sometimes if I should apologize for some of the things I say to people...or for the things I just throw out there. Then I think..if I threw it out ther...don't pick it up if you don't want it. Someday I may get a clue. Or a life. Or a Coney Dog with cincinatti style chili on it and cheese and onions. mmmm. Gotta love cincinatti style chili. It goes down like candy and gives you gas like regular chili. 3 way...4 way...doesn't matter how you eat it...chili from Cin city is the best. (goes downstairs to look for his recipe)
A pick axe is for someone with a very large nose who gets dry crustations far too often. If you slip someone a fin wil they return the favor by slap a crab claw on you? These questions plague me in the nether regions of my though processes. They hide just waiting to jump at and say "Boo." Then after I change my pants and take a shower they apologize and we have quite a laugh. My son is start a zoo. He says he has shirt animals. not animals on his shirt....animals living in his shirt...I know I wasjh his clothes I just got finished folding the shirt he had on when he said it. I think he's hiding those animals somewhere and putting them in his shirt on purpose.
Toyota, Toyota, Abe Vigoda. Raid Raid, inkwell braid, Dance dance, I lost my pants. Torn torn, I am forlorn. Bright bright, Turn out the light. Fred Fred, don't ask if he's dead. George George, buried deep in a gorge. Shirley, Shirley...is also named Bob.
A pick axe is for someone with a very large nose who gets dry crustations far too often. If you slip someone a fin wil they return the favor by slap a crab claw on you? These questions plague me in the nether regions of my though processes. They hide just waiting to jump at and say "Boo." Then after I change my pants and take a shower they apologize and we have quite a laugh. My son is start a zoo. He says he has shirt animals. not animals on his shirt....animals living in his shirt...I know I wasjh his clothes I just got finished folding the shirt he had on when he said it. I think he's hiding those animals somewhere and putting them in his shirt on purpose.
Toyota, Toyota, Abe Vigoda. Raid Raid, inkwell braid, Dance dance, I lost my pants. Torn torn, I am forlorn. Bright bright, Turn out the light. Fred Fred, don't ask if he's dead. George George, buried deep in a gorge. Shirley, Shirley...is also named Bob.
Misdemeanors Announcement 8
Bears.....I often think wouldn't a bear friend be nice. You could cuddle with it. You'd have to keep it sedated of course. You could sleep with it. You could share tranquilers with it. When it's nice and fat you can kill it and skin it and make a rug out of it. Or a coat. Just a thought.
I have so many collections I can't count them all...Toenail clippings....Scabs....Navel Lint....Lime Scale....Rabid mouse fetuses. It's so much fun to have a hobby. I think there would be a lot more happiness and joy in the world if everyone had a hobby. I enjoy walking...Caning myself repeatedly. It's fun to Draw. It's fun to draw flies. I think though that my favorite hobby is going into the places that say "Tourist Information" and ask..."Why do they always wear black socks with sandals and carry cameras larger than their own heads?"
Could We somehow harness the static electricity generated by the children of the world as they run willy nilly from here to there? It might solve the world energy shortages. But I think it might have other benefits as well. For example before this is implemented the children will still always be discouraged from running around the room acting like crazed monkey's. Now if the teacher is talking in class and the children start to run around the room she won't mind. But if they become too unruly then she will have a button that suddenly releases all the static electricity they have worked up over the day and jolts them back into compliance. I see this as a win/win situation.
I have so many collections I can't count them all...Toenail clippings....Scabs....Navel Lint....Lime Scale....Rabid mouse fetuses. It's so much fun to have a hobby. I think there would be a lot more happiness and joy in the world if everyone had a hobby. I enjoy walking...Caning myself repeatedly. It's fun to Draw. It's fun to draw flies. I think though that my favorite hobby is going into the places that say "Tourist Information" and ask..."Why do they always wear black socks with sandals and carry cameras larger than their own heads?"
Could We somehow harness the static electricity generated by the children of the world as they run willy nilly from here to there? It might solve the world energy shortages. But I think it might have other benefits as well. For example before this is implemented the children will still always be discouraged from running around the room acting like crazed monkey's. Now if the teacher is talking in class and the children start to run around the room she won't mind. But if they become too unruly then she will have a button that suddenly releases all the static electricity they have worked up over the day and jolts them back into compliance. I see this as a win/win situation.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Misdemeanors Announcement 6
EEP!!! I saw a mouse. I keep telling my kids they aren't going to catch it with a plastic rat toy. Nor will they lure the cat up to the computer room with the toy either. They seem to think it's ok to just grab that cat and drag it wherever they want to. And they wonder why it scratches fromt ime to time. I got a scratch on my knee, pushing the suburban after it broke down. One year later...scars. nasty scars. Wonder if mice get scars... besides the ones that end up in traps. Those scars don't heal. I wonder what goes through their brains right before that steel bar does. "See that big stiff looking rat over there? I bet it will pay attention to me if I beat this trap".....SNAP!!
Ok one of you stole my guitar tuner. I play bad enough as it is guys. IF someone wants to find it I will promise not to play anywhere near you. if it doesn't turn up though I'm gonna play it out of tune til someone finds me the tuner or buys me a new one. Anyone? Speak up now. Typical reaction. You remind me of my kids when they have thrown something valuable down the stairs or stolen the car or something. Who knew a 7 year-old could reach the pedals. This is Why there's a lock on the fridge too people. Stealing food...stealing tuners...stealing cars...darn kids.
All bakies aside. Wanna help me catch my cat? I wanna learn to skin like a mountain man. Beavers are all trapped out where I live so we can't trap and skin them. Sometimes I wanna skin my kids too but that's a whole different problem. see if I skin the cat and then wrap it in duct tape I don't have to brush it anymore and then that means she won't claw me when she has a particularly rough tangle. Granted I might not enjoy petting her so much. Ok Ok I better not. she's too cuddly. How about a labrador skin?
Ok one of you stole my guitar tuner. I play bad enough as it is guys. IF someone wants to find it I will promise not to play anywhere near you. if it doesn't turn up though I'm gonna play it out of tune til someone finds me the tuner or buys me a new one. Anyone? Speak up now. Typical reaction. You remind me of my kids when they have thrown something valuable down the stairs or stolen the car or something. Who knew a 7 year-old could reach the pedals. This is Why there's a lock on the fridge too people. Stealing food...stealing tuners...stealing cars...darn kids.
All bakies aside. Wanna help me catch my cat? I wanna learn to skin like a mountain man. Beavers are all trapped out where I live so we can't trap and skin them. Sometimes I wanna skin my kids too but that's a whole different problem. see if I skin the cat and then wrap it in duct tape I don't have to brush it anymore and then that means she won't claw me when she has a particularly rough tangle. Granted I might not enjoy petting her so much. Ok Ok I better not. she's too cuddly. How about a labrador skin?
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Misdemeanors Announcement 5
Anyone wanna mow my lawn? IT won't mow it self now people. I'm not offering you any compensation for it. I expect it. It also needs to be edged. it would be nice if you could add more perrenials to the front bed by the hibiscus too. Hibiscus can't figure out if that is a play on words for an olympic event or if it is some fancy bisquit. I don't like trisquits....I like wheat thins. Trisquits look like you should pour milk over them, but don't try it it isn't fun. I think it might be equivalent to eating from the dog dish right after the dog has slobbered all over it. yes those of you who love trisquits enjoy them..... but not with milk on them.
Fine after waiting and waiting. I mowed my own darn lawn. Bunch a slow good for nothings. OK now what do I do with all the clippings. if I fill the can that the city picks up with their truck, you know the one with the arm on it that lifts it up and dumps it? Robotics. Isn't it cool today that we can all grow fat while machines lift our garbage into trucks. Used to be garbagemen looked like charlie sheen and emilio estevez. Now they look like...me...or anyone else who spends far too much time on their but in front of a computer. I wonder if they have laptops in those trucks. Playing everquest or sims wirelessly while they dump. if I put the clippings in that can then I will have to live with a pile of garbage bags just inside of my front door cause the clippings take up all the space.
Cookies. Whoever named them was lazy weren't they? And not very specific. Shouldn't they be Bakies? I wonder if we put more time into it couldn't we find a name that described more than the process by which they are achieved. Happy Sugar Fun Disks. Obesity inducing circles. Substitute for social-loss treats. Good Tasting Patties Best Eaten Warm. Maybe cookies is better. I still plan on calling them Bakies.
Fine after waiting and waiting. I mowed my own darn lawn. Bunch a slow good for nothings. OK now what do I do with all the clippings. if I fill the can that the city picks up with their truck, you know the one with the arm on it that lifts it up and dumps it? Robotics. Isn't it cool today that we can all grow fat while machines lift our garbage into trucks. Used to be garbagemen looked like charlie sheen and emilio estevez. Now they look like...me...or anyone else who spends far too much time on their but in front of a computer. I wonder if they have laptops in those trucks. Playing everquest or sims wirelessly while they dump. if I put the clippings in that can then I will have to live with a pile of garbage bags just inside of my front door cause the clippings take up all the space.
Cookies. Whoever named them was lazy weren't they? And not very specific. Shouldn't they be Bakies? I wonder if we put more time into it couldn't we find a name that described more than the process by which they are achieved. Happy Sugar Fun Disks. Obesity inducing circles. Substitute for social-loss treats. Good Tasting Patties Best Eaten Warm. Maybe cookies is better. I still plan on calling them Bakies.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Misdemeanors Announcement 4
Who invented perforations? Man is that handy. ripping something out of a book nonchalantly only to discover that the perforations didn't work and it looks just as bad or worse than if you had ripped nonchalantly without the perforations. I guess that's better than a perforated bowel. Wouldn't it be nice if we human beings (I'm just assuming that we all are you never know science will probably tell us tomorrow that half of us are some sort of intelligent fungus) came perforated? Need an operation? no problem...no knives...the doctor just nonchalantly tears....oops.
Remember all those songs from Elementary school PE class? Go you chicken Fat Go? I thought chickens had LESS fat...it always confused me. I thought burgers were un healthy and chicken was only fatty if you added fat to it. boy those lunchladies...well best not say that isn't nice. I recall also that we WANTED to work a turn in the lunch room. Now that I'm older and I have a clue about what goes into some of that stuff ...heebie jeebies. But it was always nice to do PE with those parachutes and dodge ball. With out the tables and the food and the weird ladies...the lunchroom wasn't half bad.
As you get older everything Tapers off. My father used to ask for his hair cut on the sides "With a slight Taper" everytime. Our ability to outrun our children tapers off. Our aggressiveness tapers off. I wish I could get my gut to taper off. just a little off the gut please. No the back is fine....mighty fine. Just a little off the gut...make it all even. Wouldn't it be nice if cosmetic surgery were as easy as going to the barber. better have a good barber though. if you get it done wrong you might notice more things tapering off.
Remember all those songs from Elementary school PE class? Go you chicken Fat Go? I thought chickens had LESS fat...it always confused me. I thought burgers were un healthy and chicken was only fatty if you added fat to it. boy those lunchladies...well best not say that isn't nice. I recall also that we WANTED to work a turn in the lunch room. Now that I'm older and I have a clue about what goes into some of that stuff ...heebie jeebies. But it was always nice to do PE with those parachutes and dodge ball. With out the tables and the food and the weird ladies...the lunchroom wasn't half bad.
As you get older everything Tapers off. My father used to ask for his hair cut on the sides "With a slight Taper" everytime. Our ability to outrun our children tapers off. Our aggressiveness tapers off. I wish I could get my gut to taper off. just a little off the gut please. No the back is fine....mighty fine. Just a little off the gut...make it all even. Wouldn't it be nice if cosmetic surgery were as easy as going to the barber. better have a good barber though. if you get it done wrong you might notice more things tapering off.
Misdemeanors Announcement 3
HAve you ever heard that PORN doesn't digest after you eat it? err Corn I mean...Corn doesn't digest. Not that that is a big shocker. Cob, plate, can wherever you get the corn it always looks the same right? Wonder how many baseball players eat corn. But somehow we still get carbs from it. How many carbs could I have really gotten from corn....it still lokks like corn. Corn Pops are some of my favorites among the world of cereals. Before Corn pops I thought if corn exploded it became popcorn. Amazing. So easy to get popcorn stuck in your teeth. I bought a power flosser just for when I eat popcorn. I hate flossing but it feels so good when I eat popcorn. hmmm.
It's a simple act of humility for me to look in the mirror. I know I'm beautiful but when I look in my mirror I try to find the flaws that aren't there. when I can't I make them up. For example there's the Hideous growth on my left eyebrow, purplish with green spots on it. That's a flaw I was rather proud of. Took me all day of staring at my perfect face to come up with that one. Many people think I'm vain, I never try to explain what I'm doing standing there all day looking into the glass. How could anyone with a common face understand what it takes to become humble about this? My wife bought me a ton of stuff from MAry KAy. She says it's for her but we all know it is for me to maintain my boyish good-looks. She was rather alarmed when most of the bottles were emptied recently. I told her the kids did it. She got angry and said well how could you not notice them here in the bathroom you've been staring at that mirror for 12 hours now. I just giggle cause she doesn't understand.
Albondigas....if I say it outloud it almost sounds crude. Is it too early to think about what people might be getting me for Christmas? It's much easier to think along that vein when you have boxes to shake. Or when the ground is all white. But then everyone expecta you to aing carols for them everytime you see them. "Hey you, you sing...sing me a carol" I can show you where to stick your carol. which is something I shouldn't say because I actually like carols and I also want whoever this is to give me something at my party. The party where I serve as appetizers.....Albondigas.
It's a simple act of humility for me to look in the mirror. I know I'm beautiful but when I look in my mirror I try to find the flaws that aren't there. when I can't I make them up. For example there's the Hideous growth on my left eyebrow, purplish with green spots on it. That's a flaw I was rather proud of. Took me all day of staring at my perfect face to come up with that one. Many people think I'm vain, I never try to explain what I'm doing standing there all day looking into the glass. How could anyone with a common face understand what it takes to become humble about this? My wife bought me a ton of stuff from MAry KAy. She says it's for her but we all know it is for me to maintain my boyish good-looks. She was rather alarmed when most of the bottles were emptied recently. I told her the kids did it. She got angry and said well how could you not notice them here in the bathroom you've been staring at that mirror for 12 hours now. I just giggle cause she doesn't understand.
Albondigas....if I say it outloud it almost sounds crude. Is it too early to think about what people might be getting me for Christmas? It's much easier to think along that vein when you have boxes to shake. Or when the ground is all white. But then everyone expecta you to aing carols for them everytime you see them. "Hey you, you sing...sing me a carol" I can show you where to stick your carol. which is something I shouldn't say because I actually like carols and I also want whoever this is to give me something at my party. The party where I serve as appetizers.....Albondigas.
Misdemeanors Announcement 2
MY sons this morning became angry with the ground. They had fallen and bumped their tushies and so they became irate. Well whatever the childhood equivalent of irate is the became that. So they threw themselves at the ground once more, this time with such ferocity and agression in their minds that the ground sensed them coming and repeled them. They've been floating just out of reach for hours now and for the life of me I can't get them down. It's very agravating I tried throwing myself the ground but I'm to old to be that mad at supposedly inanimate things so I wasn't convincing I guess to the ground. I didn't seem to care that I was angry at it. REally I wasn't but you see it is very difficult to chang the youngest child's diaper with him floating off into who knows where.
I must drink lots of milk. IT does a body good they say. I'm a good person so hence I have a good body. I tried milking a tunafish once. well ok it was a tunafish can. Didn't really get any milk but if you whipped up all those juices it started to look whitish. Cat still drank it. Cat drinks out of the toilet though. She learned it from the dog. Why do 7 year-olds not put the lid back down? I"m afraid something mutating in the sewers is gonna come back up but if that happened would the lid REALLY stop them? Anyway they might not have mutated if they had milk.
Contemplating my navel.....I think I may have found an even higher calling than harassment. have you ever wonder what microscopic universes dwell with in the deep recesses of your navel? why is it called a belly button if most people have at least a partial inny? See the possibilities for higher thought are endless. oh but don't try tasing anything that comes out of there. Nor is it a good idea to use it as a ketchup receptacle for dipping your fries into. Just thought you might like to know.
I must drink lots of milk. IT does a body good they say. I'm a good person so hence I have a good body. I tried milking a tunafish once. well ok it was a tunafish can. Didn't really get any milk but if you whipped up all those juices it started to look whitish. Cat still drank it. Cat drinks out of the toilet though. She learned it from the dog. Why do 7 year-olds not put the lid back down? I"m afraid something mutating in the sewers is gonna come back up but if that happened would the lid REALLY stop them? Anyway they might not have mutated if they had milk.
Contemplating my navel.....I think I may have found an even higher calling than harassment. have you ever wonder what microscopic universes dwell with in the deep recesses of your navel? why is it called a belly button if most people have at least a partial inny? See the possibilities for higher thought are endless. oh but don't try tasing anything that comes out of there. Nor is it a good idea to use it as a ketchup receptacle for dipping your fries into. Just thought you might like to know.
Misdemeanors Announcement
I regret to announce that I must retire........From Baseball. One might ask why I am chosing this moment to retire. I say quit while you're ahead. I have never lost a game played on a magor league field, never have I let a run get past me. Yes you might say "you've never played on a magor league field" But I do have 4 little league city championships under my belt. It might be that this retirement is really more belated...possibly it should have come right after my last game the summer before I entered junior high. Maybe you're right maybe you're wrong. Maybe I only hesitated because of a space time anomally due to the improbability drive that I use to run my furnace. Maybe the universe is really something blown out of the nose of some transdimensional creature and as soon as someone wipes that nose the universe will cease to exist and will be replaced by something infinitely more insane. Maybe it has already happened. Still I felt I should inform you of my retirement.......From Baseball.
I thought I might take up tiddly winks in my retirement but I'm afraid I just haven't the physical condition necessary to control a tiddly or a wink nor do I even have a clue What exactly tiddly winks is. I think Harassment might be better suited to me. I could start small, haranguing small bugs who climb across my rose garden. I doubt very much if the bugs will mind for though I'm sure bugs have feeling I think the language barrier might ease some of the tension. After which I thought I might yell at cars and car engines this may have some positive effects as my father always yelled at things that were broken. I believe that it must be an important part of the repair process. Not sure if casting snide remarks at passersby will come next or if I should go to nursing homes and listen to old people and learn additional techniques from them should come at that point, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I think it might make a nice change of pace, I thought asteroid hopping would be as well but I've never developed the muscles necessary to jump that far so harrassment must be my calling.
Apparently The bugs have a languge program, because as soon as I began to yell at them I was swarmed. My wife says it had something to do with my proximity to the hornet's nest that had been built up in one of the rims of our derelict Ford Windstar. Most Ford windstars are derelict even if they appear to be running perfectly well. They run on complacency but as sson as you have completely taken for granted that they are working properly the completed and utter complacency overloads their system and they break down. I expect that if I went out there and turned the key right now thinking very hard that it won't start but taking for granted the fact that the transmission is in the rear storage area of the van, the two would cancel each other out and it might actually run. But possibly not because I think the hornets have begun to take for granted their nest in the rim and once again the complacency batteries will overload. The color blue I could take that for granted I think. I see it everywhere. jeans, skies, my children's faces when they don't want to eat their peas. Yeah I could take that for granted. Until I'm swarmed by angry bugs again I might just be too distracted for complacency.
I thought I might take up tiddly winks in my retirement but I'm afraid I just haven't the physical condition necessary to control a tiddly or a wink nor do I even have a clue What exactly tiddly winks is. I think Harassment might be better suited to me. I could start small, haranguing small bugs who climb across my rose garden. I doubt very much if the bugs will mind for though I'm sure bugs have feeling I think the language barrier might ease some of the tension. After which I thought I might yell at cars and car engines this may have some positive effects as my father always yelled at things that were broken. I believe that it must be an important part of the repair process. Not sure if casting snide remarks at passersby will come next or if I should go to nursing homes and listen to old people and learn additional techniques from them should come at that point, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I think it might make a nice change of pace, I thought asteroid hopping would be as well but I've never developed the muscles necessary to jump that far so harrassment must be my calling.
Apparently The bugs have a languge program, because as soon as I began to yell at them I was swarmed. My wife says it had something to do with my proximity to the hornet's nest that had been built up in one of the rims of our derelict Ford Windstar. Most Ford windstars are derelict even if they appear to be running perfectly well. They run on complacency but as sson as you have completely taken for granted that they are working properly the completed and utter complacency overloads their system and they break down. I expect that if I went out there and turned the key right now thinking very hard that it won't start but taking for granted the fact that the transmission is in the rear storage area of the van, the two would cancel each other out and it might actually run. But possibly not because I think the hornets have begun to take for granted their nest in the rim and once again the complacency batteries will overload. The color blue I could take that for granted I think. I see it everywhere. jeans, skies, my children's faces when they don't want to eat their peas. Yeah I could take that for granted. Until I'm swarmed by angry bugs again I might just be too distracted for complacency.
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