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EEP!!! I saw a mouse. I keep telling my kids they aren't going to catch it with a plastic rat toy. Nor will they lure the cat up to the computer room with the toy either. They seem to think it's ok to just grab that cat and drag it wherever they want to. And they wonder why it scratches fromt ime to time. I got a scratch on my knee, pushing the suburban after it broke down. One year later...scars. nasty scars. Wonder if mice get scars... besides the ones that end up in traps. Those scars don't heal. I wonder what goes through their brains right before that steel bar does. "See that big stiff looking rat over there? I bet it will pay attention to me if I beat this trap".....SNAP!!
Ok one of you stole my guitar tuner. I play bad enough as it is guys. IF someone wants to find it I will promise not to play anywhere near you. if it doesn't turn up though I'm gonna play it out of tune til someone finds me the tuner or buys me a new one. Anyone? Speak up now. Typical reaction. You remind me of my kids when they have thrown something valuable down the stairs or stolen the car or something. Who knew a 7 year-old could reach the pedals. This is Why there's a lock on the fridge too people. Stealing food...stealing tuners...stealing cars...darn kids.
All bakies aside. Wanna help me catch my cat? I wanna learn to skin like a mountain man. Beavers are all trapped out where I live so we can't trap and skin them. Sometimes I wanna skin my kids too but that's a whole different problem. see if I skin the cat and then wrap it in duct tape I don't have to brush it anymore and then that means she won't claw me when she has a particularly rough tangle. Granted I might not enjoy petting her so much. Ok Ok I better not. she's too cuddly. How about a labrador skin?
Monday, July 25, 2005
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Misdemeanors Announcement 5
Anyone wanna mow my lawn? IT won't mow it self now people. I'm not offering you any compensation for it. I expect it. It also needs to be edged. it would be nice if you could add more perrenials to the front bed by the hibiscus too. Hibiscus can't figure out if that is a play on words for an olympic event or if it is some fancy bisquit. I don't like trisquits....I like wheat thins. Trisquits look like you should pour milk over them, but don't try it it isn't fun. I think it might be equivalent to eating from the dog dish right after the dog has slobbered all over it. yes those of you who love trisquits enjoy them..... but not with milk on them.
Fine after waiting and waiting. I mowed my own darn lawn. Bunch a slow good for nothings. OK now what do I do with all the clippings. if I fill the can that the city picks up with their truck, you know the one with the arm on it that lifts it up and dumps it? Robotics. Isn't it cool today that we can all grow fat while machines lift our garbage into trucks. Used to be garbagemen looked like charlie sheen and emilio estevez. Now they look like...me...or anyone else who spends far too much time on their but in front of a computer. I wonder if they have laptops in those trucks. Playing everquest or sims wirelessly while they dump. if I put the clippings in that can then I will have to live with a pile of garbage bags just inside of my front door cause the clippings take up all the space.
Cookies. Whoever named them was lazy weren't they? And not very specific. Shouldn't they be Bakies? I wonder if we put more time into it couldn't we find a name that described more than the process by which they are achieved. Happy Sugar Fun Disks. Obesity inducing circles. Substitute for social-loss treats. Good Tasting Patties Best Eaten Warm. Maybe cookies is better. I still plan on calling them Bakies.
Fine after waiting and waiting. I mowed my own darn lawn. Bunch a slow good for nothings. OK now what do I do with all the clippings. if I fill the can that the city picks up with their truck, you know the one with the arm on it that lifts it up and dumps it? Robotics. Isn't it cool today that we can all grow fat while machines lift our garbage into trucks. Used to be garbagemen looked like charlie sheen and emilio estevez. Now they look like...me...or anyone else who spends far too much time on their but in front of a computer. I wonder if they have laptops in those trucks. Playing everquest or sims wirelessly while they dump. if I put the clippings in that can then I will have to live with a pile of garbage bags just inside of my front door cause the clippings take up all the space.
Cookies. Whoever named them was lazy weren't they? And not very specific. Shouldn't they be Bakies? I wonder if we put more time into it couldn't we find a name that described more than the process by which they are achieved. Happy Sugar Fun Disks. Obesity inducing circles. Substitute for social-loss treats. Good Tasting Patties Best Eaten Warm. Maybe cookies is better. I still plan on calling them Bakies.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Misdemeanors Announcement 4
Who invented perforations? Man is that handy. ripping something out of a book nonchalantly only to discover that the perforations didn't work and it looks just as bad or worse than if you had ripped nonchalantly without the perforations. I guess that's better than a perforated bowel. Wouldn't it be nice if we human beings (I'm just assuming that we all are you never know science will probably tell us tomorrow that half of us are some sort of intelligent fungus) came perforated? Need an operation? no problem...no knives...the doctor just nonchalantly tears....oops.
Remember all those songs from Elementary school PE class? Go you chicken Fat Go? I thought chickens had LESS fat...it always confused me. I thought burgers were un healthy and chicken was only fatty if you added fat to it. boy those lunchladies...well best not say that isn't nice. I recall also that we WANTED to work a turn in the lunch room. Now that I'm older and I have a clue about what goes into some of that stuff ...heebie jeebies. But it was always nice to do PE with those parachutes and dodge ball. With out the tables and the food and the weird ladies...the lunchroom wasn't half bad.
As you get older everything Tapers off. My father used to ask for his hair cut on the sides "With a slight Taper" everytime. Our ability to outrun our children tapers off. Our aggressiveness tapers off. I wish I could get my gut to taper off. just a little off the gut please. No the back is fine....mighty fine. Just a little off the gut...make it all even. Wouldn't it be nice if cosmetic surgery were as easy as going to the barber. better have a good barber though. if you get it done wrong you might notice more things tapering off.
Remember all those songs from Elementary school PE class? Go you chicken Fat Go? I thought chickens had LESS fat...it always confused me. I thought burgers were un healthy and chicken was only fatty if you added fat to it. boy those lunchladies...well best not say that isn't nice. I recall also that we WANTED to work a turn in the lunch room. Now that I'm older and I have a clue about what goes into some of that stuff ...heebie jeebies. But it was always nice to do PE with those parachutes and dodge ball. With out the tables and the food and the weird ladies...the lunchroom wasn't half bad.
As you get older everything Tapers off. My father used to ask for his hair cut on the sides "With a slight Taper" everytime. Our ability to outrun our children tapers off. Our aggressiveness tapers off. I wish I could get my gut to taper off. just a little off the gut please. No the back is fine....mighty fine. Just a little off the gut...make it all even. Wouldn't it be nice if cosmetic surgery were as easy as going to the barber. better have a good barber though. if you get it done wrong you might notice more things tapering off.
Misdemeanors Announcement 3
HAve you ever heard that PORN doesn't digest after you eat it? err Corn I mean...Corn doesn't digest. Not that that is a big shocker. Cob, plate, can wherever you get the corn it always looks the same right? Wonder how many baseball players eat corn. But somehow we still get carbs from it. How many carbs could I have really gotten from corn....it still lokks like corn. Corn Pops are some of my favorites among the world of cereals. Before Corn pops I thought if corn exploded it became popcorn. Amazing. So easy to get popcorn stuck in your teeth. I bought a power flosser just for when I eat popcorn. I hate flossing but it feels so good when I eat popcorn. hmmm.
It's a simple act of humility for me to look in the mirror. I know I'm beautiful but when I look in my mirror I try to find the flaws that aren't there. when I can't I make them up. For example there's the Hideous growth on my left eyebrow, purplish with green spots on it. That's a flaw I was rather proud of. Took me all day of staring at my perfect face to come up with that one. Many people think I'm vain, I never try to explain what I'm doing standing there all day looking into the glass. How could anyone with a common face understand what it takes to become humble about this? My wife bought me a ton of stuff from MAry KAy. She says it's for her but we all know it is for me to maintain my boyish good-looks. She was rather alarmed when most of the bottles were emptied recently. I told her the kids did it. She got angry and said well how could you not notice them here in the bathroom you've been staring at that mirror for 12 hours now. I just giggle cause she doesn't understand.
Albondigas....if I say it outloud it almost sounds crude. Is it too early to think about what people might be getting me for Christmas? It's much easier to think along that vein when you have boxes to shake. Or when the ground is all white. But then everyone expecta you to aing carols for them everytime you see them. "Hey you, you sing...sing me a carol" I can show you where to stick your carol. which is something I shouldn't say because I actually like carols and I also want whoever this is to give me something at my party. The party where I serve as appetizers.....Albondigas.
It's a simple act of humility for me to look in the mirror. I know I'm beautiful but when I look in my mirror I try to find the flaws that aren't there. when I can't I make them up. For example there's the Hideous growth on my left eyebrow, purplish with green spots on it. That's a flaw I was rather proud of. Took me all day of staring at my perfect face to come up with that one. Many people think I'm vain, I never try to explain what I'm doing standing there all day looking into the glass. How could anyone with a common face understand what it takes to become humble about this? My wife bought me a ton of stuff from MAry KAy. She says it's for her but we all know it is for me to maintain my boyish good-looks. She was rather alarmed when most of the bottles were emptied recently. I told her the kids did it. She got angry and said well how could you not notice them here in the bathroom you've been staring at that mirror for 12 hours now. I just giggle cause she doesn't understand.
Albondigas....if I say it outloud it almost sounds crude. Is it too early to think about what people might be getting me for Christmas? It's much easier to think along that vein when you have boxes to shake. Or when the ground is all white. But then everyone expecta you to aing carols for them everytime you see them. "Hey you, you sing...sing me a carol" I can show you where to stick your carol. which is something I shouldn't say because I actually like carols and I also want whoever this is to give me something at my party. The party where I serve as appetizers.....Albondigas.
Misdemeanors Announcement 2
MY sons this morning became angry with the ground. They had fallen and bumped their tushies and so they became irate. Well whatever the childhood equivalent of irate is the became that. So they threw themselves at the ground once more, this time with such ferocity and agression in their minds that the ground sensed them coming and repeled them. They've been floating just out of reach for hours now and for the life of me I can't get them down. It's very agravating I tried throwing myself the ground but I'm to old to be that mad at supposedly inanimate things so I wasn't convincing I guess to the ground. I didn't seem to care that I was angry at it. REally I wasn't but you see it is very difficult to chang the youngest child's diaper with him floating off into who knows where.
I must drink lots of milk. IT does a body good they say. I'm a good person so hence I have a good body. I tried milking a tunafish once. well ok it was a tunafish can. Didn't really get any milk but if you whipped up all those juices it started to look whitish. Cat still drank it. Cat drinks out of the toilet though. She learned it from the dog. Why do 7 year-olds not put the lid back down? I"m afraid something mutating in the sewers is gonna come back up but if that happened would the lid REALLY stop them? Anyway they might not have mutated if they had milk.
Contemplating my navel.....I think I may have found an even higher calling than harassment. have you ever wonder what microscopic universes dwell with in the deep recesses of your navel? why is it called a belly button if most people have at least a partial inny? See the possibilities for higher thought are endless. oh but don't try tasing anything that comes out of there. Nor is it a good idea to use it as a ketchup receptacle for dipping your fries into. Just thought you might like to know.
I must drink lots of milk. IT does a body good they say. I'm a good person so hence I have a good body. I tried milking a tunafish once. well ok it was a tunafish can. Didn't really get any milk but if you whipped up all those juices it started to look whitish. Cat still drank it. Cat drinks out of the toilet though. She learned it from the dog. Why do 7 year-olds not put the lid back down? I"m afraid something mutating in the sewers is gonna come back up but if that happened would the lid REALLY stop them? Anyway they might not have mutated if they had milk.
Contemplating my navel.....I think I may have found an even higher calling than harassment. have you ever wonder what microscopic universes dwell with in the deep recesses of your navel? why is it called a belly button if most people have at least a partial inny? See the possibilities for higher thought are endless. oh but don't try tasing anything that comes out of there. Nor is it a good idea to use it as a ketchup receptacle for dipping your fries into. Just thought you might like to know.
Misdemeanors Announcement
I regret to announce that I must retire........From Baseball. One might ask why I am chosing this moment to retire. I say quit while you're ahead. I have never lost a game played on a magor league field, never have I let a run get past me. Yes you might say "you've never played on a magor league field" But I do have 4 little league city championships under my belt. It might be that this retirement is really more belated...possibly it should have come right after my last game the summer before I entered junior high. Maybe you're right maybe you're wrong. Maybe I only hesitated because of a space time anomally due to the improbability drive that I use to run my furnace. Maybe the universe is really something blown out of the nose of some transdimensional creature and as soon as someone wipes that nose the universe will cease to exist and will be replaced by something infinitely more insane. Maybe it has already happened. Still I felt I should inform you of my retirement.......From Baseball.
I thought I might take up tiddly winks in my retirement but I'm afraid I just haven't the physical condition necessary to control a tiddly or a wink nor do I even have a clue What exactly tiddly winks is. I think Harassment might be better suited to me. I could start small, haranguing small bugs who climb across my rose garden. I doubt very much if the bugs will mind for though I'm sure bugs have feeling I think the language barrier might ease some of the tension. After which I thought I might yell at cars and car engines this may have some positive effects as my father always yelled at things that were broken. I believe that it must be an important part of the repair process. Not sure if casting snide remarks at passersby will come next or if I should go to nursing homes and listen to old people and learn additional techniques from them should come at that point, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I think it might make a nice change of pace, I thought asteroid hopping would be as well but I've never developed the muscles necessary to jump that far so harrassment must be my calling.
Apparently The bugs have a languge program, because as soon as I began to yell at them I was swarmed. My wife says it had something to do with my proximity to the hornet's nest that had been built up in one of the rims of our derelict Ford Windstar. Most Ford windstars are derelict even if they appear to be running perfectly well. They run on complacency but as sson as you have completely taken for granted that they are working properly the completed and utter complacency overloads their system and they break down. I expect that if I went out there and turned the key right now thinking very hard that it won't start but taking for granted the fact that the transmission is in the rear storage area of the van, the two would cancel each other out and it might actually run. But possibly not because I think the hornets have begun to take for granted their nest in the rim and once again the complacency batteries will overload. The color blue I could take that for granted I think. I see it everywhere. jeans, skies, my children's faces when they don't want to eat their peas. Yeah I could take that for granted. Until I'm swarmed by angry bugs again I might just be too distracted for complacency.
I thought I might take up tiddly winks in my retirement but I'm afraid I just haven't the physical condition necessary to control a tiddly or a wink nor do I even have a clue What exactly tiddly winks is. I think Harassment might be better suited to me. I could start small, haranguing small bugs who climb across my rose garden. I doubt very much if the bugs will mind for though I'm sure bugs have feeling I think the language barrier might ease some of the tension. After which I thought I might yell at cars and car engines this may have some positive effects as my father always yelled at things that were broken. I believe that it must be an important part of the repair process. Not sure if casting snide remarks at passersby will come next or if I should go to nursing homes and listen to old people and learn additional techniques from them should come at that point, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I think it might make a nice change of pace, I thought asteroid hopping would be as well but I've never developed the muscles necessary to jump that far so harrassment must be my calling.
Apparently The bugs have a languge program, because as soon as I began to yell at them I was swarmed. My wife says it had something to do with my proximity to the hornet's nest that had been built up in one of the rims of our derelict Ford Windstar. Most Ford windstars are derelict even if they appear to be running perfectly well. They run on complacency but as sson as you have completely taken for granted that they are working properly the completed and utter complacency overloads their system and they break down. I expect that if I went out there and turned the key right now thinking very hard that it won't start but taking for granted the fact that the transmission is in the rear storage area of the van, the two would cancel each other out and it might actually run. But possibly not because I think the hornets have begun to take for granted their nest in the rim and once again the complacency batteries will overload. The color blue I could take that for granted I think. I see it everywhere. jeans, skies, my children's faces when they don't want to eat their peas. Yeah I could take that for granted. Until I'm swarmed by angry bugs again I might just be too distracted for complacency.
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