Misdemeanors Announcement

I regret to announce that I must retire........From Baseball. One might ask why I am chosing this moment to retire. I say quit while you're ahead. I have never lost a game played on a magor league field, never have I let a run get past me. Yes you might say "you've never played on a magor league field" But I do have 4 little league city championships under my belt. It might be that this retirement is really more belated...possibly it should have come right after my last game the summer before I entered junior high. Maybe you're right maybe you're wrong. Maybe I only hesitated because of a space time anomally due to the improbability drive that I use to run my furnace. Maybe the universe is really something blown out of the nose of some transdimensional creature and as soon as someone wipes that nose the universe will cease to exist and will be replaced by something infinitely more insane. Maybe it has already happened. Still I felt I should inform you of my retirement.......From Baseball.

I thought I might take up tiddly winks in my retirement but I'm afraid I just haven't the physical condition necessary to control a tiddly or a wink nor do I even have a clue What exactly tiddly winks is. I think Harassment might be better suited to me. I could start small, haranguing small bugs who climb across my rose garden. I doubt very much if the bugs will mind for though I'm sure bugs have feeling I think the language barrier might ease some of the tension. After which I thought I might yell at cars and car engines this may have some positive effects as my father always yelled at things that were broken. I believe that it must be an important part of the repair process. Not sure if casting snide remarks at passersby will come next or if I should go to nursing homes and listen to old people and learn additional techniques from them should come at that point, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I think it might make a nice change of pace, I thought asteroid hopping would be as well but I've never developed the muscles necessary to jump that far so harrassment must be my calling.

Apparently The bugs have a languge program, because as soon as I began to yell at them I was swarmed. My wife says it had something to do with my proximity to the hornet's nest that had been built up in one of the rims of our derelict Ford Windstar. Most Ford windstars are derelict even if they appear to be running perfectly well. They run on complacency but as sson as you have completely taken for granted that they are working properly the completed and utter complacency overloads their system and they break down. I expect that if I went out there and turned the key right now thinking very hard that it won't start but taking for granted the fact that the transmission is in the rear storage area of the van, the two would cancel each other out and it might actually run. But possibly not because I think the hornets have begun to take for granted their nest in the rim and once again the complacency batteries will overload. The color blue I could take that for granted I think. I see it everywhere. jeans, skies, my children's faces when they don't want to eat their peas. Yeah I could take that for granted. Until I'm swarmed by angry bugs again I might just be too distracted for complacency.