Official Campaign Announcement: Timothy for Director of Time-Wasting Affairs

My fellow Americans (and those of you who just stumbled onto this post while procrastinating something important), today I am proud to announce my candidacy for Director of Time-Wasting Affairs.

I come before you not just as a candidate, but as a man with decades of experience in strategic, high-level time squandering. My credentials speak for themselves:

• Served with distinction in the Ministry of Dad Jokes, where I pioneered the art of groan-inducing humor.

• Rose to the esteemed rank of Grand Poobah of Dad Jokes, introducing landmark legislation guaranteeing at least one pun per family gathering, with severe consequences (mild disappointment) for non-compliance.

• Personally spent thousands of hours perfecting the infinite scroll technique, ensuring maximum inefficiency in all social media endeavors.

As Director of Time-Wasting Affairs, I will fight tirelessly (or at least until I get distracted) to ensure that every American has access to Bluetooth scrolling rings, so that you can doomscroll with the flick of a finger—efficient inefficiency at its finest.

But friends, we face an opponent who stands against everything we (don’t) stand for. The current Director, Reginald P. Taskington, has spent his tenure using time wisely, meeting deadlines, and getting a full eight hours of sleep each night. This is unacceptable. I propose an America where no task is completed without at least three unnecessary Wikipedia rabbit holes along the way.

To those who oppose me, I say this: I challenge you to a debate. In Pig Latin. No translators, no mercy. May the most time-wasting candidate win.

Vote Navel. Vote for Progress. Or Procrastinate Voting and Do It Later.